I Wish I Didn't Have To Go
by her-imperius-condessy
Summary: Two weeks after the events of the season 9 finale, Castiel finds himself out of options and Sam finds himself out of hope. Together, they'll find out how far they are willing to go to save one soul. M for descriptions of blood/violence and a very brief instance of non-con, but it's not graphic.


It took two weeks.

Two long, hard weeks. The angels needed looking after, there was still the issue as to how to reopen the gates of Heaven, and Metatron was not giving him the answers he needed. And even though it was his kin and all the lost souls wandering the Veil were crying in torment, Castiel's number one priority during those two weeks was still Dean Winchester.

Something terrible had happened; Dean wasn't just dead, he was possessed by pure, unbridled evil, if the reports from the recon squadron he'd formed were accurate. The call came through and spread; Dean Winchester is lost.

The two weeks was spent planning and plotting on how exactly to get the information and the resources necessary to fix this. Now, he had a sort of plan. It was iffy, and it rode on a lot of unstable variables; whatever was inhabiting Dean, Sam Winchester, and Crowley being the top three on his list.

What was left of the Heavenly Host still followed his command, and they were able to stabilize the burning Grace inside of him for hopefully long enough to see this plan through. Castiel managed to convince them that afterwards he would be able to fully regenerate himself, but he kept all his ideas secret, and they trusted him. Without a single question.

After everything he'd seen and been through, it concerned Cas that once upon a time he'd been just like them. Josiah was right. No one would look in his eyes and see an angel ever again.

Castiel had a door open not far from the Bunker, and transferred command to Hannah in his absence. He wasn't entirely sure what he expected when he banged on the door to the Bunker, but it certainly wasn't Sam hauling him inside and then punching him hard across his jaw.

"Where in the hell have you been?"

Cas could smell alcohol coming off of him in waves. "In Heaven, actually."

Sam mouthed at him for a second, then tried to hit him again. Cas managed to pull and duck away this time, ending up with Sam punching the wall. If it hurt, he didn't show it.

"Dean has been _dead_ and _missing_ for two weeks, and you've just been hanging out…"

This time it was Cas's turn to land a blow, and Sam was drunk enough that he actually staggered to the floor. Cas crouched down so they were eye level.

"Listen to me. We've got a lot of work to do, and a short amount of time to do it in. You need to be sober, so go…make coffee, or dunk your head in the sink, whatever it is you do. Then we'll talk."

He hauled Sam back up and shoved him away, hoping he'd keep going, but he stopped. "But, Dean…"

"Your brother is not lost, not as far as I know. Go, and we'll discuss it."

Sam finally did wander off, and Cas, trying to work off the nervous energy, walked around the Bunker. He ended up in the doorway to Dean's room. It reeked nauseatingly of sulfur and old blood. He could see where Sam had put the body on the bed, and the stain there. Cas swallowed back an unexpected lump in his throat.

He didn't have time for this.

Next, Cas went to the dungeon room, where all the things needed to summon Crowley were kept. That would be handy. He had just knelt down on the hard floor when Sam's voice came from behind him.

"He won't come."

Cas turned around. Sam was a little less bleary eyed, a little more focused. "Sorry about before, man, I just…"

He held his hand up. "No, I understand. I believe Crowley maybe shielded by something, but if my sources are correct, he should be free."

Cas started setting everything together, and Sam sat next to him. "So, can Crowley fix what happened?"

"No, this is far beyond his control. But he will be able to clear up some details."

There was a flash, and surely enough, Crowley had appeared. He looked awful, the normal suit in tatters, scorched along the edges. He was torn, and bloody, and beaten.

Cas stood up. "What happened?"

Crowley looked at him like he was insane. "What…What _happened_? What does it look like happened?"

Sam had gotten up, too. "Like you got what's been coming to you."

He set a very sad, almost human eye on Sam. "Oh, Moose. I really am sorry. Both of you. I _swear_, I had no idea this would happen."

Sam rolled his eyes. "What did you do with Dean?"

Crowley actually shook. "I've known you boys for a while now. And that…_that_ thing, is in no way Dean Winchester."

Sam was about to say something, but Cas held up his hand. "What does it call itself?"

He sighed. "Says his name is 'Legion'. This…It's worse than the Leviathans. Pure evil, that's all I saw."

Crowley sank down against the wall. "I swear, I thought I was helping. Legend goes, Cain took his life by the First Blade after not wanting to kill, even though the Blade made him…hunger for it."

"Putting the Blade into Dean's hands, I figured he'd come back. Half-Demon like me, but still…Dean. But this. He grabbed me and we zoomed off, I don't even know where. I only think he didn't kill me because he knew I woke him up, but I got away as soon as I could."

He was starting to look a little sick. "Boys, I'm a demon. Seen some bad things. _Done_ bad things. This…_Legion_, he hungers for the lives and blood of the innocent. He needs chaos and destruction and…"

"He went into an _animal shelter_, for God's sakes!"

Sam looked confused. "What'd he do?"

"You don't want to know," Castiel and Crowley said at the same time.

"But, Dean's still in there, right? He's possessed, we can fix this?"

Cas sighed. "The Mark of Cain began to create something in Dean, on his soul. When Cain took the Mark, he was already a demon, his soul was gone. With Dean, it spread, like oil. Touching the Blade only sped up the process. Then, once Dean was dead, the Mark covered his soul, and once he had the Blade, Legion was completed."

He turned to Sam. "It may not be too late. But this isn't a demon we can exorcise. It is a true Knight of Hell, more powerful than any other demon. To separate Legion and Dean, we would need the one who created him, and that's the only one who can control it."

Sam and Crowley looked at each other. "Are you really saying what I think you're saying?"

"Probably. If you think I'm saying we break Lucifer out of his cage and Sam accepts being his vessel, then yes. That's what I am saying."

xxXX

Sam didn't know how to handle this. There was a long, long silence after Cas's statement.

"Cas, he's gonna take over. Last time I had to fight him in my head…"

But he shook his head. "It won't be a problem this time, I promise."

He pulled a paper out of his coat. It had scribbly writing that looked like Enochian on it. "This spell is one of the few things I was able to get out of Metatron. It took forever, but I got it. It can summon the Grace of any angel, no matter where it is, including the Cage. It was a carefully guarded secret, but Naomi left behind some very useful methods for getting those out."

Sam looked carefully at the paper. "So…this will call Lucifer here. Then what?"

"He will be bound to me, much the same way Death can be bound."

Crowley shook his head. "You really are crazy."

"No, I'm desperate."

Sam felt bad at that. Of course Cas had spent the last couple of weeks doing all he could for Dean, and he should have known that. And if the paper in his hand, slightly blood-splattered and crumpled were any indication, there wasn't a thing he wouldn't do for Dean.

But then something crossed his mind. "Uh, hold on, the last time I took Lucifer, I had to drink how many gallons of demon blood?"

Cas did look sympathetic. "I'm sorry, Sam. If you don't, true vessel or not, your body will wear away before we can finish getting Dean back. Will you agree to do this?"

Sam took in a deep breath. Cas was willing to do anything; as Dean's brother, he was just as willing to do the same. "Yeah. Let's do it."

Cas turned to Crowley. "We need a few demons that you aren't overly fond of."

XxXx

Crowley had been gone a couple of hours, and despite feeling like he was about to vibrate out of his skin from nerves, Sam had sat down at the table in the kitchen, drinking some more coffee. He was still a little buzzed. Cas came and sat with him, a glass of water in his hand.

"Are you certain of this?"

Sam shrugged. "Dean would do it for me. He has done it for me. I…"

He sighed, feeling guilty. "I told him I would've let him stay dead, months ago. And I didn't even bother trying to find you guys in Purgatory. I gotta do this."

Cas nodded. "I'm sorry it has to be this way, but…"

He held out Sam's laptop to him, pulled up to a few news sites.

'Man Seen Leaving Site of Megachurch Explosion; 5,000 Dead'.

'Thirty Missing From Nursery'.

'Animals Slaughtered In Local Pet Shop'.

Sam shut the lid. "But it's still Dean in there? He might remember this, when we get him back."

"It's possible."

Cas had already drained the glass of water and got another one. Crowley texted Sam soon after that he'd be back in the morning, so he went to bed. He saw Cas duck into the room that would have been his if he'd stayed in the Bunker.

That next morning, he doubted that either of them had slept. Sam knew he hadn't, and Cas was pale and drawn, dark circles under his eyes. It was weird seeing him that way.

Crowley showed up around ten, with four vacant eyed demons. "Now, Moose, I know you have mixed feelings about this, so to make it a little better…"

He pointed at the bodies. "Child molester, rapist, Neo-Nazi, and that lady is a cannibal. Society won't miss them in the slightest."

Sam shook his head. "Thanks, but that really doesn't help."

Crowley shrugged, and Cas walked up to him. "We'll do this in the other room. Sam, just wait here."

xxXX

The process of stringing the people up in the dungeon and slitting their throats was unpleasant, but Cas went through it with the mantra 'this is for Dean, this is for Dean' running in his head.

While they waited for the draining to finish, Crowley started talking.

"I'm confused on a few matters."

"What?" He was understandably angry with Crowley; he had got Dean into this in the first place.

"Word is, you're burning out. That Grace you stole, it's snuffing out."

"And?"

"This spell, controlling Lucifer, which will be like trying to walk a whale with a doggy leash, by the way, will finish you off."

Cas huffed. "I am aware."

"You'll be dead."

"You are stating the obvious."

"Boiled from the inside out. Your brain will melt, it'll be slow and painful."

He slumped against the wall. "I can feel it already, Crowley. I'm…freezing, but my skin is hot to touch."

Crowley actually touched him, and hissed. "Cas…"

"Stop. I know, okay?"

"If, and that's a big _if_, this works Dean and Sam are going to be so mad at you."

"They've been mad at me before. And they'll both be alive. It's worth it."

He stopped to glare at Crowley. "You _won't_ tell Sam about this."

Crowley looked at him, sad eyed again. "Oh, Angel. All those times everyone's teased you about being in love with these boys, it's been true, hasn't it? This is what you do. Die for them, over and over. I am so sorry."

It was embarrassing, but Cas had to swallow around another lump, and a pain in his chest. "You won't tell them. Especially Dean, once he's back. And you won't let them make any deals to bring me back."

Crowley held his hand out. "It's a deal. Since I won't be able to tell you later…It was a pleasure and a genuine, _genuine_ honor doing business with you, Castiel."

Cas shook his hand, not too surprised when Crowley yanked him into a brief hug. He tried to glare at the demon, but felt like it was just a half-hearted habit. They both looked over.

"I think they're done."

Sam, of course, wanted to drink in another room. Cas understood; it was disturbing for him. He hated to have to ask this of him. As Sam did that, Cas got everything ready for the spell.

About half an hour later, he came out, harder around the edges, and sharper in the eyes.

Crowley cleared his throat. "That's my cue, boys. I'd rather not be around when Lucifer comes."

He nodded to Cas. "Be careful with that whale."

The he turned to Sam. "Good luck, Moose. When he wakes up, tell Dean…Well, ask him politely not to kill me the next time we dance."

Crowley gave Cas one final sad look. "Ta, boys. See you next season."

Cas turned to Sam. "Are you ready?"

His face twitched. "Are _you_?"

He rolled his eyes and started the spell. The Bunker was exceptionally well stocked, and finding the ingredients had been the easy part. He wiped the cold sweat off his face with the sleeve of his coat before he began the Enochian chant.

XxxX

Sam felt tight in his skin, like he was being pulled in five hundred different directions if he didn't do something about the power pumping through him. It was like really awesome fire. He had missed this power. It was bad, he knew. But, God, he had _missed_ it.

He could just barely concentrate on Cas's voice as he read out the spell. The Bunker started to shake, and his voice faltered and stuttered but he kept going. And suddenly, the shaking stopped. Sam looked around. Nothing was different that he could see. Then he looked at Cas.

He had his hand stretched out in front of him, trembling, his eyes almost scrunched up, and blood streaming from his nose. Sam barely had the time to be concerned before Cas hissed something else out.

He lowered his hand, and wiped at his face.

"Well, I got to say. I'm impressed."

Sam jumped. It was Nick, the vessel Lucifer had been in before, but he flickered like a spirit. "A manifestation," Cas explained. "So we can talk to him."

He nodded. "Hello, Brother."

Lucifer looked around. "Castiel. This is ballsy, even for you, and I've been keeping my ears open. You are a ballsy kinda guy."

He turned. "And _Sam_. Got the juices going. What are two planning?"

Cas was wiping at his forehead again. "We need to know about Legion."

Lucifer squinted at him. "Legion, yes. My _best _work."

He looked around. "Someone's missing…"

Sam huffed. "Dean took on the Mark of Cain."

He laughed. "Oh, that's great. Don't tell me he got the Blade, too?"

Neither of them said anything, and he laughed again. "You boys stepped in it this time. And now you have me chained. I guess you're deep in it now."

When they didn't say anything more, he huffed. "Okay. Legion. I hadn't made Lilith yet, the first demon." He nodded at Sam.

"I think you met her. I was experimenting, you know, playing around. And I found out how to manipulate and taint a soul through this…being I created. I made Lilith, and then Cain. My creation, I named it Legion, since all demons came from it. But it was unstable, so I needed to put it into something. With the mark on Cain, I decided to put it into the First Blade."

Lucifer shrugged. "I'm guessing Dean died, right? And then the Blade came back in contact with him?"

Cas nodded. "So, Dean is now walking the land possessed by the root of all demons?"

Cas nodded again. Lucifer nodded, too. "You guys? Are screwed."

Sam was getting impatient. "We know that, you dick. Can you fix it?"

"Fix what?"

Sam and Cas both growled in frustration. "Get Legion from Dean's soul!"

Lucifer started pacing thoughtfully. "I guess…I could. Remove Legion and the Mark. Hide the Blade. Put Dean back together."

He stopped. "And then what? Where is the upside for me? You have me, Cas. When I'm done you'll throw me right back in that cage."

Sam felt Cas tense up next to him, and he knew there was a chunk of this plan he hadn't let Sam in on.

"No. You do this, and I release you to Heaven."

Sam felt his jaw drop and Lucifer and him both said, "What?"

Cas glanced between them. "No one is in charge, not really. They're following me and I hate it. I'm no leader. You go back, take control. Restore the angels, and the gates so souls can move on. All I ask is you don't resume the Apocalypse, or destroy any humans."

Lucifer was staring at him. "Make the angels whole, open the gates, and leave humanity alone. That's all I have to do once you release me?"

Cas nodded. "That's it. We won't ask any more."

The power was itching under Sam's skin.

Lucifer was still, just looking intently at Cas. "You were a soldier once, weren't you, Castiel?"

He nodded. "I am still a soldier."

"Just for a separate cause. You fight for these guys, the humans. You are so loyal to them, you really _would_ return the wayward son back home?"

"_Yes_," Cas was sounding impatient.

"Okay." He turned to Sam.

"Sam Winchester…"

"Yeah, get in here, I want this over with."

xXxX

Cas shielded his eyes as Lucifer's Grace transferred to Sam. His head was starting to hurt, and he could feel the pull on the metaphorical strings he had on his brother.

Lucifer shook out Sam's arms. "Phew! Oh, I missed this body."

He looked towards Cas. "Okay. Where are we going?"

Cas shrugged. "Wherever Dean is."

"And…Where is Dean?"

"You're Legion's creator, not me."

Lucifer/Sam rolled his eyes. "Do you remember a certain dumbass who branded Dean's ribs with warding magic?"

Cas instinctively pulled at the strings, and Lucifer/Sam flinched. "Ow!"

"I am _not_ a dumbass."

"Whatever."

Cas went into the main room, and Lucifer/Sam followed. He opened the computer and sighed. He still hadn't mastered the use of these things, so he pushed it towards Sam/Lucifer, and mentally pushed Lucifer to the back.

Sam shook his head. "Whoa, trippy."

"Here. See if you can't find some clues as to where he might be."

He leaned over the computer with a huffed out, "Bossy".

While Sam was doing that, Cas went into the bathroom. He took a cold washcloth and held it against his face, getting rid of the blood that had leaked out. He rinsed it out then pressed it against his throat and the back of his neck.

This was dying.

He'd never felt it before. Sure, this wasn't the first time. But death had been sudden. Explode, explode, explode. Now, it was slow. And it hurt. He felt the pain, and he felt the fear.

The next thing he knew, he was throwing up in the toilet until he was dry heaving and tears were running down his face, and more blood was coming from his nose.

It took about fifteen minutes to put himself back together, then he went to see how Sam was doing.

"Hey, I was about to come find you. Look, I think this is it Jordan, Iowa. Back in the seventies, a massive tornado came through there. Another hasn't touched down there since, except last night, an even _bigger_ one came through, and wiped the whole town completely off the map."

"Okay."

"And not far away, in a town called Beaver, their main crop, grain, it's been mysteriously poisoned. Overnight."

Cas nodded. "Alright. We should go."

He let Lucifer back in the front of Sam's head. "Overlooking the fact that we're going to '_Beaver_', what are we gonna do when we get there?"

"We already discussed this."

Lucifer/Sam shook his head. "Once Legion senses I'm there, he'll vanish. Now, I can hide behind Sam as much as is possible, but once I get close enough it won't matter. You'll have to distract him."

Cas sighed and rubbed his temple. His head was throbbing. "How?"

Lucifer/Sam gave him a look that almost passed as pity. "Dean is still in there. Legion will have his memories, everything Dean has ever seen or heard or felt. Manipulating and toying with you would give him no higher pleasure. Sam here would work better, but, like I just said…"

"I'm going in as a distraction. That's fine."

Lucifer/Sam stood up and put his hand on Cas's shoulder. "Alright, let's go."

A second later, and they were standing in a deserted town square. Cas, battle-hardened as he was, felt like he might be sick again. It was silent, not even crickets or frogs were chirping in the distance. In the middle of the square was a pile of bodies; it must have been the whole town there. They were in varying degrees of…eviscerated. Cas saw a man who had been torn apart in the form of a blood eagle, some had been drawn and quartered, a young girl had been scalped. Blood ran like small rivers through the cracks in the pavement.

Lucifer/Sam sniffed in mock tears. "Aww. I'm a proud Papa."

Cas yanked hard on the strings, and he flinched away again. "Ow, fuck, Cas that hurts!"

"Sorry, Sam."

He brought Lucifer back forward. "You can't hear it, Castiel, but there's music. Thataway."

Cas walked down the street Lucifer/Sam following close behind. He heard the music soon enough, a song he recognized from Dean's music collection that he'd heard Dean sing along with tunelessly for years.

It came from a bar. There was a jukebox playing the record, and Dean, or rather, _Legion_, was dancing around. He was covered in blood still, drinking from a bottle of what looked like whiskey and singing in Dean's off-key voice.

They ducked back into the alley. "Okay. I'll go in. Don't…Don't let it…"

Lucifer/Sam patted his back. "I'll creep in as soon as I'm sure he won't sense me."

Cas took a deep breath and walked back around the corner and right into the bar.

De…_Legion_. Turned around and smiled. It was uncomfortably familiar and alien at the same time. His eyes were completely black.

"Well, hey there, Cas. He's been missing you in here," Legion tapped the side of his head, meaning Dean.

Cas didn't really know what to say to that. Legion pouted a little. "Aww. Don't you want to let poor Dean-o you've missed him, too?"

He was supposed to be stalling. "Who are you?"

Legion rolled his eyes and finished the last of the whiskey from the bottle, then suddenly turned and hurled it at Cas, who ducked just in time. When he straightened up, Legion was right in his face.

"You know exactly _who_ I am. I can smell angels and demons on you."

He grabbed Cas by the arms and hurled him; his back hit the bar and he flipped over it, landing hard on the floor. He tried to scramble up, but Legion had already lifted him off his feet. He pressed Cas against the bar and it hurt.

"What are you planning, huh? You think you're gonna play _me_? I…I am Legion. For we are many."

Cas rolled his eyes. "That line's older than I am."

Legion threw him on the floor and stooped over so he was right in Cas's face. "That smart-ass mouth is gonna get you in trouble one day."

He leaned even closer. "But I don't think you have one day, do you. Six hours, at the very max?"

Even now, scared and adrenaline pumping through him, Cas was shivering cold. Legion touched his ear and pulled his hand away; there was blood on his fingers.

"Why don't I give you something nice before you go?"

Legion got even closer and, very roughly, grabbed the back of his neck and shoved their mouths together.

Cas didn't even have to bother remind himself that this wasn't Dean. If Dean were to kiss him, it wouldn't be like this; he knew Dean too well to imagine otherwise. And it tasted nothing the way Dean would taste. Dean would taste like apples and aged leather, not whiskey and copper.

Luckily, Legion grabbing him like that was the distraction Lucifer/Sam needed. There was a loud gasp as Legion was pulled away, and he was being held down. Legion/Dean screamed loud and painfully as Lucifer/Sam buried his arm in his chest, searching for the soul. After a couple of minutes he pulled his hand away, holding something blacker than black. Lucifer/Sam reached into Dean's jacket and pulled out the First Blade, then pushed the black into the hilt.

Lucifer/Sam held it up. "Done. What're we going to do with it?"

Cas stared at the Blade. His vision was starting to go double, and the Blade was moving of its own accord.

"Castiel?"

He shook his head. "The weapons vault in Heaven."

Lucifer/Sam nodded. "Agreed. Come here and we'll get back to your Bunker."

Cas managed to crawl over to Dean, and Lucifer/Sam put his hands on their shoulders and in a flap of wings they were home. He had flown them into Dean's room, and lifted Dean onto his bed.

"He'll sleep for a while. When he wakes up he's probably going to be guilt ridden and there'll be _tears_ and _emotional talks_, but he's gonna be fine."

He turned to Cas and looked at him very, _very_ pointedly. "Anything else?"

Cas tried to smile. "I wish you every happiness, Brother."

He focused on the strings in his mind, and chanting the words he'd memorized earlier, he let them go, feeling all but a tiny amount of the Grace go with them. He shut his eyes against the light of Lucifer leaving Sam.

When Cas opened his eyes, Sam was swaying and grabbed the dresser to steady himself. "Oh, man."

He looked up at Cas and smiled. "I'm alive!"

Cas did manage a smile this time. "It would seem so."

Sam turned his attention to his brother, checking where he'd been wounded before on the chest and for his pulse. "Lucifer said he'd wake soon."

xxXX

Sam felt so relieved. This had all worked out, just fine. Cas had actually done it. Saved his brother and the world. Again.

He turned around, and actually looked at Cas for the first time since Lucifer had left. And suddenly, it all rushed back, every mention in conversations that the Grace Cas had was burning away. It hadn't occurred to him that he was actually _burning_.

He looked an awful lot the way Sam had doing the Demon Trials. Pallid, sweating under layers of clothes. But worse, there was a small trickle of blood coming out of his left ear.

Sam knew enough about high fevers and what they could do to a body.

"Cas…"

Cas tried to look at him, but he couldn't focus. "We gotta get you to a hospital."

He slumped, looking resigned, and Sam knew he'd been trying to hide this from him. Sam led him to a chair and he collapsed into it.

"No. There's nothing to do, Sam. It's over."

Sam blinked away tears. "No, there's always something, you can't…"

Cas grabbed at his wrist, and his hand burned. "Don't. I made Crowley promise not to make any deals with you or Dean."

"Crowley knew?"

"He guessed."

Sam scrubbed at his eyes, and stood to get a tissue to wipe away the blood. Cas was blinking slowly while he did it.

"Sam. I don't have long before I start hallucinating."

He squeezed his eyes shut. "What do you need?"

"I don't think Dean will be awake. And I need to say goodbye before my mind goes."

"Oh, God, Cas…"

He stopped looking at the ceiling and his head flopped a little so he could look at Sam. "It's going to be okay. You and Dean did fine before I came along. You'll both be fine when I'm gone."

There was no point stopping the tears now. "No. We need you here."

Cas reached out again. "I don't want one of my last lucid moments to be guilt ridden."

Sam scrubbed at his face and nodded. "I'll help you over to Dean."

It was a wobbly walk, then Sam dragged the chair near the head of the bed. "I'll go…Call out when…you're done."

XxXx

Cas did everything in his power to focus his mind. He was _not_ going to die with any regrets, and not saying goodbye to Dean would be one.

"I don't know if you can hear me. Or if you'll remember this. But I have to say…"

Everything was fuzzy. "I am so sorry, Dean. You…have problems, with people going away. Please don't…"

Cas coughed, and realized he was crying, and the uncomfortable lump was back in his throat.

"Don't hate me. And don't hate yourself. I wish I didn't have to go, not when…"

He lost the ability to speak over the tears for a moment. "Not when we were finally getting ourselves figured out. I'm sorry I didn't say it sooner, but I love you. I think you knew that, but sometimes you aren't very sharp, and I needed you to know…"

Cas hiccupped over another wave of tears. "Thank you. For everything you gave me, and for making me part of your family."

He sniffed, and with a lot of concentration he managed to lean forward and kiss Dean on the forehead. "Don't hate me," he whispered.

Cas sat up. "Sam?"

Sam came in a moment later. Cas didn't know if he'd listened in or not. He didn't really care.

His voice was heavy as he led Cas out of the room and into the other room. The room that might have been his. "Here. Lay down."

Cas did as he was told, and the bed was comfortable, and it could have been _his_. He thought the tears would have stopped by now, but he just went on. Sam sat on the side of the bed, and he had ice packs that he put under his neck and across his forehead.

"Sam…"

"Yeah?"

"Don't let Dean be mad at me."

Cas felt Sam tense, then shake. "I promise."

"Keep him safe?"

Sam was shaking, or was Cas himself shaking? Maybe it was both.

"I will."

XXxx

The next half hour was one of the longest Sam could remember in a long time. He spent most of it with Cas, but he got up a couple of times to check on Dean, who just slept on.

Cas stopped being coherent not long after asking him to keep Dean safe. After that, it was mostly strings of meaningless Enochian, sometimes mixed in with English or other languages. He heard names; Dean's, his own, Meg, Anna, and others.

Then he stopped talking. It wasn't long after that the seizures started. Sam did his best to help him, but there wasn't much he could do. After one bad seizure, while Sam still had an arm under his shoulders to make him comfortable, Cas opened his eyes, and actually focused on him.

"Sammy…"

That was the first time he'd ever called him that. Sam didn't know he'd started crying again. "Yeah, Cas?"

"I don't want to leave."

He squeezed around his shoulders and he was shaking again from the tears. This was almost as bad as loosing Dean all over again.

"Cas…"

His eyes had closed, and he'd relaxed. Sam moved back to feel for a pulse.

There wasn't one.

Sam stood up, and moved Cas's body around so he was on his back, arms and legs straightened out. Then he went and checked on Dean. Still asleep.

He decided to stay in the room with Dean. He should be there when he woke up. His breath hitched and he had to wipe at his face again when he thought about Cas not waking up again.

How was he going to tell Dean that the guy he was pretty sure his brother was in love with was lying dead in the next room?

He had two hours to think on it, and he still had no answers when Dean started moving a little.

"Dean?"

He groaned.

"Dean, wake up."

He cracked one eye open. "Sammy?"

Sam choked back some kind of weird laugh-sob hybrid. "Yeah, hey. How are you feeling?"

Dean was able to prop up on his elbows, he looked confused for a while, and then all the color drained out of his face. "Dean?"

"Oh, _God_, what did I do?"

"It wasn't…"

"Yes it was!"

Sam sighed; he should've expected this. "No, it was that…"

Dean just kept interrupting him. "You let Lucifer in? Whose _fucking_ stupid idea was that?"

"It was a mutual decision…"

Dean grabbed at his hair. "Oh, my God, what did I _do_? Those…Puppies, oh my _God_…"

Sam did the only thing he could think of and slapped Dean across the face. "Dean! Calm the hell down!"

That actually worked. Dean's breathing went back to normal. "Sorry. You're gonna have to walk me through your end later. Where's Cas? I need to talk to him."

Shit, that was sooner than expected.

"Sammy?"

He looked at Dean, and he looked _scared_. "Where's Cas?"

Sam took a deep breath. "In the next room."

Dean looked like he was trying to not freak out. "How long ago?"

"Two hours or so."

He nodded. "What…Was it the Grace thing?"

"Yeah. It burnt out, and…He burnt out with it."

Dean turned away. "It wasn't quick, was it?"

"Dean, don't…"

He started to get out of the bed. "I'm fine, Sam."

Dean was walking steady, but Sam still followed close as they went down to where Cas was. And when Dean pushed the door open, it was to a very unexpected surprise.

Lucifer, back in Nick's form, was standing there, next to the bed.

They both froze. Dean turned his head slightly towards Sam and whispered, "Why is Satan in our Bunker?"

Lucifer rolled his eyes. "I'm just returning a favor."

Sam pushed past Dean, even though he felt Dean try to grab his sleeve. "What do you mean?"

Lucifer motioned to Cas. "He freed me. I am indebted to Castiel in ways I can't even say. He restored me, gave me my family back, and let me go home. They will be singing songs in Heaven for the rest of eternity praising him for that."

He put his hand on Cas's chest. "A life for a life."

Cas sat straight up in the bed with a gasp, and Lucifer flew away.

He looked around and between Sam and Dean.

"What the hell just happened?"

Dean was staring at Cas, and Sam eased his way out of the room and down the hall. Best to let them have their privacy.

xxXX

Cas was still trying to get his head on straight when Dean sat at the foot of the bed.

"Lucifer just popped in."

"Oh." He smiled a little. "Yeah, I guess a 'thank you' was in order. I didn't think I'd get one, though."

Cas looked at Dean. "Are you okay?"

He huffed and threw his hands up. "Dude, I don't know. There's too much flip-flopping goin' on."

"I can pretend to be dead again, if that would help?"

Dean shot him a very nasty look. "Too soon?"

That actually got a small smile. "Just a little bit."

There was a long awkward silence that Cas eventually broke. "How much do you remember?"

Dean answered immediately. "Every second. It was like going back to Hell."

Cas moved so he was sitting closer to him. "I'm sorry."

Dean rubbed at his eyes. "No. Uhm. I should be sorry. When you came and found me, at that bar…"

"That wasn't you, so don't apologize for it."

He managed to look Cas in the eye. "Le…The demon was playing me as much as he was playing you. He knew I'd been wanting to do that for a while now."

Cas felt something hot run up the back of his neck. "Oh."

"Well, not like that, obviously, but the essentials…"

Cas cut him off. "I understand, Dean."

"You do?"

He nodded. "Do you remember what I said to you while you were asleep?"

Dean looked like he was thinking. "I remember your voice. And…"

Cas waited.

"I think you called me stupid."

He laughed. "That whole speech, and that's what went through?"

Dean frowned. "Well, what'd you say?"

Cas got up and leaned down to Dean's level, and then he kissed him.

It was what the first one wasn't. Soft, and Dean did in fact taste like apples and old leather.

"I said that I loved you."

"Yeah, you kinda got that across, Cas."

And that was the last either of them said for a while.


End file.
